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Understanding that you’re bisexual does not automatically make attraction to other people disappear — even when you are happily married and committed to monogamy.
For some bisexual people, same-gender attraction or fantasies can create an unexpected amount of guilt. You may know you do not want to cheat, have no intention of acting on those feelings, and still worry that simply noticing or imagining something means you are being disloyal.
That guilt can become even stronger if your partner does not know that you are bisexual. In that situation, attraction, identity, privacy, and relationship boundaries can start to feel tangled together.
But these are not all the same thing. Attraction is not intention. Fantasy is not action. And monogamy is an agreement about what you do within your relationship — not a requirement that you stop being capable of finding other people attractive.
At the same time, keeping part of your identity private from a partner can raise its own questions. You may wonder whether you should come out, whether certain fantasies need to be discussed, or whether saying nothing means you are hiding something important.
There is no single answer that fits every relationship.
Have you ever felt guilty about bisexual attraction or fantasies even though you had no intention of cheating? What helped you separate attraction from your actual relationship choices?
Please avoid telling someone that they must disclose their sexuality or must explore it. Different relationships, boundaries, and safety situations need different approaches.
I’ve struggled with this the last 10 years of my relationship with my partner. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m suppressing a key part of my identity and am not feeling fulfilled because of it which also leads to terrible feelings of guilt and fawning over my partner and putting their needs above me home. I love the life we have built but feel I am deeply regretting not being able to explore the other half of my sexual identity. I fear that if we cannot open the relationship up, I will be unfaithful or need to end the relationship which is terrifying in itself.